From here down can be the main email to everyone. Also, I'm mailing home those letters I promised today. I didn't get a chance to during the week. Love you!
And thank you for the scriptures. I need them. A mission is SO HARD. My companion and I have talked a lot about this. Everything I grew up with that I thought defined who I was (or who I thought I was), all those exterior influences-- for good or bad-- are ripped away from me and I'm planted in a completely different place, and expected to be an influence for good on everyone else. In big ways, it feels like. I have to figure out who I am, as a person, all over again. I'm asking myself questions I had never really had to ask before. Do I really believe what I'm saying over and over again? Do I know this is true? Am I happy right now, or overconfident? Am I feeling depressed because I'm just weak, or is it a lack of faith, or selfish, or what? And I have to find God again, so to speak. I've felt the Spirit so strongly at church, around my friends and family, and at home-- so having none of those factors around anymore leaves me without sure footing. It's easier for doubt to sneak in when there are so many cracks and insecurities for it to leak through. It's just a lot of ups and downs, and trying to figure out what my motives are is frustrating.
I want to feel the right way for the right reasons. I'm working through a lot of pride. I either feel overwhelmed and underqualified, too imperfect or underdeveloped to do the work (which is a lack of faith, and fear), or I feel like I'm on top of it and like everything is fine, but the "I've got this, I don't need to work on myself anymore" attitude comes, and that is prideful, too. I just have no idea what I'm doing. And there is no escape from myself or my problems, either. I can't take an hour and just write it out, talk it out, think about it, pray-- I can't just take a nap or be alone-- and I can't just call home and talk about it! It's just go, go, go, go. Nonstop. And that's when I feel the most frustrated. When I don't have the desire to do the work, to be there, to share anything-- I just want to recoil and be done. But I can't. I have to work anyway. And I've never been pushed emotionally like that before. It hurts and it's hard.
But, amidst all this emotional/inner turmoil and conflict, God has blessed me so, so much. I don't deserve it at all. Externally, everything has been basically ideal. Sure, we'll have to work hard to gain the trust of the members and reach the full potential of the ward for missionary work-- but they are good, strong members, they love each other, they love us, and they love the Lord. We get fed every single night in member's homes. The other missionaries work hard and are immensely supportive. My companion is a good listener and we're a lot alike, so we talk through our struggles and work them through together. She is such a strength to me. Tracting is scary sometimes (what do I say?!?!), but we've found people to teach and good things happen. We have a car. We have everything we need. God knew I was going to have all this inner stuff to work through, and He's made sure I don't have to worry about almost anything else. That is such a huge tender mercy.
We have had some amazing miracles happen! Let me share a few cool stories.
Tractingwise: for miracles, it's ALWAYS the last house. Almost always. :) On saturday we knocked the last door, and a lady talked to us through the door in a muffled voice, said something like "Inconvenient time," and we almost left. But then she opened the door and let us in. We sat down and she basically told us her life story. Her name is Vivian, and she is an amazing person. She lives by herself with her dog. She's in terrible physical condition-- she has a fractured ankle, broken discs in her back, and she stutters a lot as a result of the most recent of four strokes, among other things. She's had a really, really hard life. Her husband left her last year because of an affair and he didn't want to live with her disabilities-- and both of her two teenage sons have several felonies on record, and both have hurt her physically. She needs surgery she can't afford because of it. It's just terrible. But even after all this, she just talked about how much God loved her and had watched out for her. He pays her bills, she says. She doesn't know where the money comes from to pay the bills, but she always has them paid. She talked about how beautiful it is outside, and how every morning she drinks her coffee and just talks to God. Has a conversation with Him, she says. Several times I opened my mouth to say something encouraging about how God works with and cares for us, but she would say it first! She has a strong, beautiful relationship with God. We shared a few scriptures from the Book of Mormon with her along the way.
She told us that she was supposed to rest and keep her foot elevated, but she wanted to keep her house clean and she couldn't afford a housekeeper. Us to the rescue! "We'll clean your house!" we said. Her eyes got big. "Really?" she said in disbelief. When we said yes, her eyes brimmed with tears and she was overwhelmed. "You would do that? That would be such a blessing! Such a blessing!" she said. We kept talking for a bit about God, and THEN. She said, "I know God has a purpose for me. I'm just waiting for Him to show me what it is." Sister Buhler held up the Book of Mormon and bore powerful testimony of it. "I know you will find your purpose in this book," she said. I shared the Joseph Smith story and the message of the Restoration with her. She just looked at me and listened, smiling, and nodding her head. "That's beautiful, such an inspiring story," she said. Before we left, she asked if we could pray together. I said the prayer, and she said it was beautiful. She was so amazed that two young women like us would come do the Lord's work, since most girls don't in the world we're in. We're going to clean her house tomorrow afternoon. I hope she will be receptive to our message. She's basically golden. :)
Lessonwise! We taught two investigator lessons this week. One to Fernando, one to James. Fernando's was the first one, and that was pretty rocky. To sum up, he talks a lot, and is easily distracted, not to mention hard to understand since he is from Colombia so his accent is strong and his English is broken. We had a member, Sister Baker, with us, and thank heavens, because she helped a LOT. She guided the conversation back to the lesson several times. There was one really cool moment when we explained that God and Jesus Christ are two separate beings, and he just paused, nodded, and said, "That's true." Whoaa. The Spirit was strong. But, he declined the invitation to pray at the end, and I tried to pursue that but it just didn't happen so I prayed instead. Gah. And we didn't extend any commitments. At ALL. Geez! It was all so disorganized. But he is reading the Book of Mormon and feels like he needs to. So that is good.
And, um, definite sign to his family-- his son, who is 19, was walking down the street and the other elders from our ward were tracting there and talked to them. They have an appointment with him next week. Both found by the missionaries within a week of each other?! They need to get baptized! :) I think we're handing Fernando over to the Spanish elders though. They could communicate much more easily with him than we can, and I think he would feel more comfortable in a Spanish branch.
To make up for our lesson with Fernando, our lesson with James was WONDERFUL. He's nineteen, quiet and polite, and very open. We brought a member with us (Sister Mandi Roman-- she reminds me a lot of Renate) who is very loud and talkative, and a convert of two years-- but despite some tangents and her talking/laughing a lot, she helped bring the Spirit and I felt it the whole time. He was very receptive. We cleared up some misunderstandings about the nature of the Godhead and what/who the Holy Ghost is and how it works, and he was great with that. Everything made pretty good sense to him. Sister Buhler invited him to be baptized when he knew what we were teaching was true, and he said YES! We don't have him on date though because Sister Roman popped in, "Don't feel rushed! This is all on your own time"...yada yada. Dangit. So we'll get him on date next week. I felt really good about that lesson. :)
Interesting experiences...we got bible bashed! Awesome. Not really. We were tracting, and I totally asked for it...I asked what church they belonged to, what they knew about us...and was that a can of worms or what. The man's wife grabbed her Bible and started yelling at us, you believe this, you believe that, that's crazy, your souls are in danger, etc. They invited us to do "real" bible study with them, gave us websites to visit, etc. I said that we understood their concern, gave them a
mormon.org card, and we left. Sister Buhler and I were just stunned and amused, really. It was not a pleasant experience but I'd forgotten that I'd been expecting that in the South. Most people are really nice even if they aren't at all interested or don't want to talk to us. I'm glad for that.
And OH MY GOODNESS! Guess what?! Elder Dallin H. Oaks came and talked to the GA Atlanta/Atlanta North missions on Saturday!!
I got to shake his hand and each mission got a picture with him. Maybe President Wolfert will put it on facebook, you'll have to check. But it was such a sweet, powerful, wonderful experience to see what he's like. He seems so stern in general conference, but he was very warm and friendly. He spoke just by what the Spirit directed.
One thing he said that I needed to hear, was that doing missionary things doesn't make you a missionary. To become a missionary, you must think what a missionary thinks, feel what a missionary feels, and desire what a missionary desires. In essence, serve with all your heart, might, mind and strength. I really need to work on that. I've let myself think distracted, self-centered thoughts and desires instead of being focused on missionary work all the time. It's hard but I'm working on it. Sister Suarez (her husband is one of the seventy i think?) said something I also loved. Not her exact words, but she said this: "If you think of a mission as a sacrifice, you will begin to feel sorry for yourself and be miserable. If you think of a mission as a privilege, then you will feel the true joy of Christ in your work." That was me in a nutshell. Feeling sorry for myself and making it me, me, me. I've been a lot happier the last couple days since really working on that.
The mission is officially eternal, I've lost hope of ever coming home. It feels like forever! But I have to remember I've only been here a week and a half, I'm sure it'll fly by in no time. And I'll miss it a lot by the time I come home. :) Overall I just want to feel God more in my life. I know it's my fault, but I don't always feel Him. Sometimes I lack the conviction of the reality and importance of why I'm here. But I guess this is a chance to exercise faith. :)
Sorry I'm so long-winded! I hope to hear from you soon. I think I would cry if I got snail mail. It would be like Christmas times a million. Thanks for the letter family, I've treasured it!
I love you so much. Have a wonderful week. :)
Love,
Sister Taylor
